A Society of Individuals

Americans Lose Touch, Report Fewer Close Friends

"People who said they had no one with whom to discuss [important] matters more than doubled, to nearly 25 percent."

“'This change indicates something that’s not good for our society,' Smith-Lovin said. 'Ties with a close network of people create a safety net. These ties also lead to civic engagement and local political action.'"

I agree; there's something wrong here. We move a lot, we work in cities that aren't our own, we ignore our neighbors, we're just so spread out. Everything we do, from the stores we shop at to the churches we're members at to the events we attend, so little is really local. This doesn't explain the change between 1985 and 2004. We were already spread out in 1985. There's something still present, or still becoming less present, something we're still losing that's still pulling people apart. There's less trust - there are exceptions - but less trust among many people. More people just looking out for themselves and, dare I say it, not willing to "get into other people's business" or resenting it when other people show concern about theirs. A pulling back, perhaps, because we've lost boundaries, and people do become too nosy or else find out what's going on with others only to become hostile and look down on them instead of helping. No sense of community, of the idea that you help out your neighbors and turn to them for help. Perhaps along with more frequent movement between houses, jobs, states, people aren't willing to put in the effort to keep the friends that move off. Perhaps it's the technology; more communication with people all over the world leading to less with those at home.

I don't know how much of that is true. Any of it, all of it, none of it. I've done no study. But doesn't it - wouldn't it - make sense? Twenty-five percent of people have no one to discuss things with. I'm not surprised. We're so good at superficial relationships these days. The people I work with, they're my friends, we talk about our job and our pets and various things about what we're doing after work or at home, who's having a baby and who's sick of their husband. Too much information with too little real connection. There's a loss of privacy where you discuss intimate details with everyone and it means nothing to anyone. Who is the close friend who's going to look past the details you tell and care about what it means to you? And if you tell everything to everyone, what do you tell your close friend? There's a line between never speaking to people about anything, and being open, and being far too open and sharing too much, and wherever that line is we're missing it.

Real relationships take work. They take time and effort.. and love. Love out of which the time and effort are freely given. It's not a resentful act, nothing done grudgingly, rather it's a set of actions and words and thoughts that are gladly taken up because you care about the other person and want a continuing and close relationship with them. It takes trust and making certain choices in a way I fear I'd falter, now, if I tried to figure out and explain.

It also needs an initial action, a beginning, someone to begin communication and decide to get to know another person at least a little bit. If neither person takes a step, no one will move any closer. Someone has to be willing to move first. There are too many people out there who have been retreating for so long that their first step is backward, and when this is the problem, of course we're going to be isolated. If the people who have learned not to walk backward take the next step and reach out, if we can find a way to make things more local and bring a sense of community back to our neighborhoods, if we can start treating others with respect and regain a sense of what is and is not appropriate, and remember what it means to have a real relationship - and I'm not going to venture on how all of this could get started, not this post - but perhaps that twenty-five percent would drop again. If any of my speculations here are right, then what will it take to turn around and bring back what we seem to have lost?